it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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