The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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