I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize