"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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