He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize