My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
