He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
