So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
