his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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