I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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