I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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