just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
This baby is an asshole
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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