The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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