woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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