Where are you?
In a non slutty way
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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