he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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