Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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