I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
