Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Randomize
