I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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