Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
