at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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