i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
this beer tastes like vomit already
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
