So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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