I think I died a long time ago.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
