I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
