This dress was meant to end up on your floor
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
