he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
