Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
