Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
