I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
