And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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