I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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