Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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