I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
