i think i have herpe
just one?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
