Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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