Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
