gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
