oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
