I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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