In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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