I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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