Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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