chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I believe in your delicious
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
