did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
