I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
