she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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