My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
