Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
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