OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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