Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize