I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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