I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
