I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
