I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
