he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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