I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
