I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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