im holly from the hills drunk
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize