Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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