i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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